jaeclectic: (lena)
[personal profile] jaeclectic
I fear I am dull and self-pitying. But then again, I do know I have an audience of sympathetic cat-parents.

Lena seemed reasonably comfortable and happy last night -- she ate a little, took her meds with only minor distress, and we snuggled on the sofa for a couple of hours. She slept on the bed with me (as always) and acted normally i.e., when I rolled over, she staggered over to the other side of the bed so she could be in front of me instead of behind me (a trivial effort for a well cat, but a labor of love (and/or obsessive-compulsive behavior) for Lena). And in the morning, when she thought I'd hit snooze enough times, she stood up and started complaining at me, like the good feline alarm clock that she is.

So I started the day calm and mildly optimistic.

That lasted all of 20 minutes. Sadly, she really does not seem comfortable or happy now. She got up and went to her closest water dish, and sniffed at it, but didn't drink -- even when I held it for her, which she loves. In fact, at one point when I held the water in front of her, she turned her back on me.

She seems mildly disoriented, walking toward something and then stopping as if she's unsure how to get around it.

Truly, my heart is breaking. I don't want to drag things out if this is her final decline -- but I don't feel certain it is. Honestly, it would have been so much easier for me to let her go after the last stroke when she couldn't stand -- that seemed so clear and unambiguous.

I did just give her a dose of pain medication. I think the key thing to watch is whether she drinks -- if not, back to the vet we go.

And if we go today, we'll see Dr L, who I know will be more inclined to advise me to let her go (although not *necessarily* without trying any other measures first). If I hold out until tomorrow, we'll see Dr A, who is very attached to Lena and will be more likely to advise trying anything rather than letting her go. There is something rather ironic about having this level of familiarity with the vets.

There is also something ironic (at least) about this vaguely political aspect to the choice of vet -- which answer do I want? The simplest one, that lets me off the hook? Or denial to the bitter, bitter end?

But, no doubt I am beating myself up unnecessarily. If she won't drink water, that is unambiguous enough. Stay tuned.


Update: I just gave her her AM subQ, and she's still not drinking (very very unusual, the normal routine is that she drinks a LOT of water while getting fluids dripped into her scruff).

So, called the vet -- but Dr L doesn't have any appointments available today. And so, I have a 5PM appointment with Dr M, or I can take her in earlier for a drop-in to see Dr M or Dr B. I do know and like Dr M, in fact she was my preferred vet there before Lena's health problems started. But I don't have any idea what her perspective will be -- so my fretting about the politics of choosing which vet to see is moot.

Date: 2009-08-25 03:22 pm (UTC)

Date: 2009-08-25 03:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] podle.livejournal.com
My heart is with you.

Date: 2009-08-25 04:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ilen.livejournal.com
:( hugs for you... poor kitty.

Date: 2009-08-25 06:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bulieb.livejournal.com
I agree that you're beating yourself up unnecessarily. As a sympathetic cat-mom I think this sounds like the most miserable of cat illness situations. But then hearing how poor her health is right now, it seems so hard to imagine that she would bounce back from this. Which is maybe to say: I don't think the decision to let her go is a matter of letting yourself off the hook, or of convenience. You have spared no effort or expense in Lena's care, and if you decide to stop her treatment it will be out of humaneness and love. It would be so much easier if you didn't have to make the decision. My heart goes out to you.

Date: 2009-08-26 01:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jafitz.livejournal.com
Thanks for the kind and thoughtful response. I really appreciated the moral support, and the confirmation of the reality that I've been dealing with.

Date: 2009-08-25 08:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zabet.livejournal.com
*hug*.

Date: 2009-08-25 08:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eac.livejournal.com
*hug*

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